January 1, 2013

Fresh Confidence

Resolutions come off so queer to me. I forget about them around two weeks after I've planned them, so this year I'm planning to try something else. Maybe not something I can achieve, but something I can stick with. 

For years, I've tried to befriend lots of people; these past few months it wasn't necessarily easy for me, and that's because I realized only a few days ago that in order to be friends with other people, I have to be friends with myself. Being friends with myself isn't something I ever wanted to do, or something I ever thought I would do. 
How can I be friends with someone so shy, someone who thinks 40 different things in one minute and only says a couple words throughout a class? Someone who constantly feels miserable and sorry for themselves because they've chosen the road of comparing themselves to every other person on the planet? 
It came to me, yesterday, that there really isn't a reason to feel like that. To feel like another person, made of skin and bone, is better than my skin and bones. Psychologically, a person can be insecure from their looks, their appearance, their history, and so many other reasons that I actually have no clue of. I know that my insecurities started when I woke up in the morning, leaving the house looking decent in my opinion, and walking into a room where I saw someone else looking way better, and seeing everybody wanting to talk to them more than me. I thought for so long that's what it was: people like talking to beautiful people, and since no one really talked to me, I chose to believe worse of myself.
I've known people who are impossible to get through to, and it comes to a point where it's almost irritating. I don't even know what my purpose is of telling them who they really are because they never listen. I use to be like that. Irrational. Closed. Silent. Before that I was the girl who everyone had to "shh". I was the girl who walked in everyday not really overthinking what I looked like, just focusing on better things. 
It's really just a rut. It's a rut that I was sure of that I'd be stuck in forever. 
It came to me just yesterday, when Selena's "Who Says" single came on shuffle on Pandora. I couldn't skip it because I was applying cream cheese to my bagels I was eating for breakfast. There's a line in there that really made me sit down and think. 
Who says you're not beautiful? 

I've always thought beauty is something that comes from the inside that shows on the outside, not in appearance but the feeling you get from a person. 
Who really said my skin and bones and I weren't beautiful?
I know the answer to that is myself.. but why? Because I compared myself to someone who doesn't even really matter at the end of the day? Because I use to get called names in the old days? Because no one's ever actually asked me out? Because I've worn glasses for the past 8 years? 

If beauty is something that's completely on the inside, why was I spending these last 3 years feeling so awful about myself? Feeling like nobody liked me, when in reality, it's just me who doesn't like me. Other people can see that sometimes, which makes it hard to be friends with me. 

Self confidence isn't easy to get. It can be taken away easily. I don't think that a lot of people really want to hear these words, but sometimes you just need to stop worrying. Forget about it for a little. Disregard the figure on the outside, and just let prisoner inside of yourself free; the one you've thrown away deep inside of you because you thought they weren't good enough. Do yourself a favor, and become friends with yourself. Learn who you are, and you can slowly begin to like it. You are who you are, and feeling like you're not good enough, inside/outside, isn't going to change anything. 
You are you. 

I can promise you the minute you become friends with yourself, everything changes. 
You just feel free. 
You're done. 

And the last thing I said to myself yesterday afternoon pondering why I should hate myself, 
was after you recognize the fact, that you're a beautiful, good, okay, decent, whichever you prefer, person, you don't physically change. But what does change, is the relationship you have with yourself. Looking at yourself in the mirror, after the first time you actually feel confident with yourself for once, you begin to see a smile on your face. Not because you just became beautiful, but because you always have been. This is just your first time noticing it.

Everyone is born beautiful. It's cliche and overused, that's why it's lost it's meaning. 
But I want to help people start thinking that again.

Everyone is born beautiful, and you stay beautiful. 


To all the people struggling out there with harmful thoughts, please, just please listen to this. Please know I think you're beautiful in every way. Please open your eyes and become friends with yourself. Even if you are your own worst enemy, I promise you it's much better over here on this side. Love you all xoxo


December 2, 2012

life has been like fog

'twas a foggy friday evening on the 30th of November when we ran to the golf course planning to ride boogie boards down wet grassy hills, hoping we'd order pizza and watch a few movies after that. the leftover rain on the grass was drying up fast and we knew that plan was over.

while returning to the house we stepped in some mud with our bare feet. we were all just rinsing off when suddenly, what I was avoiding for four whole years, happened. my left knee dislocated for the 5th time and I fell to the ground screaming in pain. at least I get to keep my little hospital tag as a souvenir, eh?

I'm unable to put any kind of pressure on my left leg, which is really frustrating because I'm an avid runner. however, the christmas movies and loads of soft blankets my mom bought have been making me feel a bit better. meanwhile, my cat has been the only visitor I've gotten in the past 3 days; hopefully my friends are having much more fun spending time outdoors and flaunting how nice the weather is (sarcasm's my best friend).

unable to go to school during the rainstorms because my crutches will slip, 
unable to go christmas shopping, 
unable to run for time trials in track on Tuesday, 
unable to sleep comfortably, 
and unable to wash my hair, 
I'd say life has been like fog lately. it looks a bit dangerous inside but the further you go, the clearer it eventually becomes. I'm just waiting for things to clear up soon. 

something good has to eventually come out of this, right? as much as this sucks, to be clear, I feel like this definitely happened for a reason, and after being revisited by that dislocating pain, this reason better be really important. 


November 28, 2012

I never saw you coming

Sometimes I feel as if this whole world is based on what everyone has. Who has the clothes, the likes, the friends, the life. Then I get this discontented thought that I don't have enough. Truth is, I'll go through one album of around twenty pictures I have stored away in my computer, and happiness instantly refills itself.

when people start playing a role in my lack of confidence, I focus on everything else. The way the city looks at night, how good pomegranates taste, a sun glare before a drive, the moon, my kitty sleeping carefree in front of the fire, and saving out of focus pictures from the trash.

and after reviewing all of this, I forgot what I was even unhappy about in the first place.